Somewhat energetic?

How is this possible! How fortunate that we even exist! I feel profoundly appreciative of this fact!

My anxiety is considerably decreased now. I feel like I can do more than I usually feel like I can do. This is the real me! I love humans! I would be so embarrassed to say that normally, but right now I'm NOT. At least not on this. All I did was exercise for 30 minutes totally mildly, it seems to have been the trigger. I don't usually get such noticeable results from doing so. I certainly hope I keep getting these results.

Yay! And shame on me if I delete this!

Best to keep them short

Ok, I'm feeling paralyzed as usual. But I don't usually feel this stuck. One factor is the rain. Rain really, seriously gets me down. That and the sky when it's like that. Vuccot (euphemism for effit, which is also a euphemism, and a milder one by my count). I'm amazed at how hard it is to just start reading something encouraging or useful. I don't understand this lethargy at all. I'm so tired, and it seems to keep me from doing anything at all, except write this. And I feel considerably powerless, even though I know I'm not.

Is anyone else able to identify with this form of stress? I'm in the "process of
trying" to apply to PSU but there's several obstacles that I don't know how to approach, which I'll spare you. Not knowing how to do something results in ultimate fear of trying to figure it out for me. It would probably be best just to contact PSU directly.

This too seems to be draining me, so I feel the need to stop. Again.

Next time, I'll (hopefully) write something when I'm in higher spirits (and intellect), so it will be of more value (if any) to you, and therefore myself.

A sad farewell. (laughs)

Things I can do to make this more interesting

Haw. I'll just start listing things off immediately.

-Write away from the computer and paste it.
-Leave questions for the audience.
-Include more quotes/excerpts, and comment on them.
-Don't make the text all look the same.
-Include pictures, and comment on them too.
-Be more spontaneous and not perfectionist.
-Include random "useful" facts, like function of eyebrow is to prevent perspiration from getting in eyes.

Okay. Go.

What are you, the reader, going to do to make as much money as possible? Doesn't the thought fill you with unease, not knowing for sure? It does for me.

I found that reading something encouraging (self help) and smart makes me think better in the moment. Sure it's never enough to make me brave enough to take direct action, but it can certainly result in indirect action. Like writing down whatever ideas appear. It's not something I do often. But it's something that everyone should do all the time.

So I'll do it while writing this, but another time. Cuz I'm scared to currently. Of course I'll always be scared when I'm not doing it. I should be thankful that I'm not scared WHILE doing it too. So I am. When I remember to be.

Things I would like to do, even though I usually don't feel like it
-Run (I hate using the exercise bike. It's infinitely boring, nomatter what speed.), to see if I can increase my asthma tolerance for it...gradually of course.
-Swim (have not done so for...10 years?), and learn to.
-Go ta cawlij ta be a cownsalur (go to college to be a counselor. I've had 3, or rather 5, counselors since birth, some official, some not. They seemed to be happy enough.)
-Maximize my funnyness. I know, it's probably funniness. But you know which is "funnyer."
-Stop being afraid to tawk to peepole!! (talk to peepole), which is a totally general statement but of course what I mean is to say whatever I feel like unless it's bad. And say hi hows your life.
-Some things
-Oh no, is the phone ringing again?
-Shave off my must ash. But I did. Well, I hafta keep doing it or it'll grow back. But it's easy.
-Stop being so tempted by intricate dramatic deep shocking profound subtle transcendent layered ingenious fiction, by far my most enjoyed solitary pastime and something I could easily spend the majority of the rest of my waking hours in all of life doing if I let myself, or so I currently perceive. (Xenogears, Planescape: Torment, A Song of Ice and Fire, Dune, RahXephon) I've been pretty much abstinent from it for several months, but the draw is always present.
-Heartshaped o saurus. Oh, but that's such an uncomfortable topic for me, I shouldn't have even said it. But I don't specifically WANT ppl to think I'm not interested in "having a gf." I am.

That list will be alright for the time being. Isn't this blog kind of unfocused? Hey, why don't you email me jgrzldjb@yahoo.com. That'll be happy.

My fears are dumm

XD XD FROWNCLOWN

Wait, I just noticed something. I AM a frownclown. I'm too bad at explaining why, but.

I don't write enough

Yes. You may recall me saying as much some time earlier. When, I'm not sure myself. Today I am going to talk about multiple things. How unusual. That's what I did yesterday. But I don't mean to say that like it's a bad thing. I liked it. Maybe you did too. Either you did or didn't, depending upon what kind of person you are. Not funny.

I'm tired right now, so I hope that won't make this mediocre. (after finishing) Did it?

Viewing the process of thingamabobbers (brought about by looking at topics I listed in my notebook to write about on this)
I've somewhat recently wanted, when I remembered to think of it, to be able to look back and view how one thing (event, action or even thought) led to another and so on until there was a fortunate result. But writing that just made me aware that everything in a person's life is really part of just one chain. Everything's existence is owed partly, to varying (and I would say unmeasurable) degrees, to something else before it.

In this part of today's entry, I had the objective of coming up with some simple examples from my own experience. But of course I'll probably have a hard time thinking of any that seem truly exemplary or convincing.

Today I drove to Safeway to mail off Chrono Cross, which someone bought from me on half.com for 8 dollars. I drove George, the 1983 Buick (I may be wrong), as usual. Apparently I got there just after someone else had delivered 30 items to be mailed internationally, so there would be some delay for my item.

Well, I tried. Mildly. The problem is that the little, seemingly insignificant details quickly disappear from memory. I don't know if they're gone forever, in fact I don't believe they are, but there are many things that you'd simply never be able to access again without the right trigger, which would be kind of hard to identify if you don't even know what you're trying to remember.

I wrote the last paragraph somewhat fast, while looking at the screen and not the keyboard. I really want to want more to increase my keyboarding speed. I read on an article at Associated Content that the main thing you need to do, aside from practice a lot, is NOT LOOK AT THE KEYBOARD. I was in fact not quite aware of that. So now I am, as are you. Good.

So now, back to the cause and effect whatever you callems. I'll try to write them down in the future like as soon as they happen so I can be more aware of them, because being aware of them is useful because it gives me more to be grateful about. Anyway, I'm now going to try something more internal.

Well, nevermind. I can't think of anything at all, unfortunately. I hate trying to think of examples. Hopefully I have some written down somewhere in my paper journal. But what a pain, to have to look through it. It's mostly negative, so I don't want to.

Ok, well here's one I guess. And it wasn't from looking at my journal. About a week ago I finally got around to taking 6 large bags full of unwanted clothing articles out of my closet and dropping them off at a thriftstore. I was happy to be rid of them. Then I started seeing what else I could clear out from the closet, and under some stuff where the bags were I found a coat I totally forgot about and seriously have not even seen for probably 7-8 years. It still fit, and was in better condition than that huge puffy one I'm sure you've always seen me in. The reason I got the puffy one, back in 2000 or so, was because the one that I was talking about doesn't have a hood, and I hate getting rain on my head. I didn't use a stocking cap because I didn't want my hair to be messed up, but a hood messes it up somewhat too. So now I'm using both coats, and I WILL use a hat for the older one I found in my closet.

Well, that wasn't a very amazing example, but it was something. Maybe it can get me started on finding a better example. I'll come back to this part later, like not today probably.

Studying useful poo
As you may or may not know, I tend to think in absolutes, which I am aware is unhealthy. One example, and a particularly frustrating one, is in the area of studying something to learn which would be useful to know but just seems like a pain. Particularly when it's something like anatomy, which has so many thousands of facts that I get overwhelmed very fast and basically forget most of them, then feeling like I need to start from the beginning every time. I think it's because I don't bother to summarize. It's all about prioritization of detail. If I limited my memorization to the most elementary facts until I had them down totally, then I would have such a stronger foundation to truly learn the rest. And to do so, I need to actually write them down.

But thankfully, not every useful subject in existence is near so endlessly intricate as human physicality. And unless you plan on becoming a doctor or scientist, it's probably not the most important thing to know inside and out anyway. I feel like I haven't quite realized that yet. Or maybe my not-quite-conscious knowledge of it is one of the reasons why I'm not very motivated overall to study it, despite my feeling of "should." I "want" to be knowledgeable of anatomy for a couple of reasons, one, so I can be more aware of the consequences of particular actions and thus increase my ability and motivation to live healthier and be prepared when CPR or anything like that is needed, and two, so I can feel more often and with greater intensity the "chill of eons", aka the "shiver of truehuman", which I fear I cannot explain very well. It's just something that I believe you must first experience via some kind of profound inspiration (for me it was Xenogears, due in no small part to its music).

Ok, so this seems to have been mainly about anatomy. Oh well.

Something (hereafter retitled as The Purpose of This)
I won't deny it, this is hard. I'm getting some enjoyment out of this, but there has to be a more effective way of knowing what to write. Let me look at my list.

I seem to be a might torn between saying just whatever I "want" to with no predetermined structure, and knowing in advance the basic points to make. Well I doubt that's uncommon. Should I compromise between the two? That's probably what I do most of the time. I believe I've pretty much internally established the purpose of this, but when I think about it, it seems likely that externalizing it is necessary to give it true importance. So I'm going to do that now.

The purpose of this blog is:
1) To say things that I am afraid to say in person or on the phone, so that those who read it can know me better and have more to talk about
2) To help me to come up with good ideas that can be applied by myself and others
3) To provide motivation for myself (and others, but to a much lesser degree)
4) To provide an outlet for my humor

That's it, as far as I know. Not that it isn't enough.

OK, SO IS THIS ENOUGH FOR ONE DAY YET? I SHOULD THINK SO. THAT WAS KIND OF EXHAUSTING. But when I BECOME MORE SPONTANEOUS, it won't be. My ETERNAL PERFECTIONISM is why I become drained. In fact, I'm going to add that to the purpose list right now.

5) To energize me.

Theee, ENDDD.

It's ok, I don't need to know *that* much about you

I suppose the reason I've been going so long between entries is that when I tell someone of my blog, they either don't read it or don't seem to have anything to say about it. One thing I have noticed is that, while it's true that I am less inhibited with what I say in writing, especially if it's not addressed to any one specific person, people seem to understand it less well than direct communication. But that's undoubtedly more because of my often nonsensical humor I incorporate than anything else. One solution would be to simply explain in parentheses directly after. So I'll do that.

I can't help but feel that having a journal that people who know me can read does something to encourage me or make me feel more, I don't know, focused or directed. I regret ever stopping. The one I did on MySpace was rather complainy overall. As you'll notice, this one is not.
That's going to make a difference in building a positive attitude, needless to say.

Now I'm getting all hyped for this again. I will write of many things. What I want and need to do. What I am doing. My ideas of how to be more organized and motivated, to trick myself into taking action (or not), and other things like that. Why should you care? Cuz if you know me, you'll understand me better. You know how hard a time I usually have trying to explain the way I think. Then we can talk about it in real life, within striking distance. 'Within striking distance' is a humorously intended phrase/term I made up meaning face to face, just so you know. I'm not meaning to imply any actual striking involved.

Anyway, what I was about to say is that when I'm writing about myself with an audience in mind (specifically, those who I know will have an interest in reading it) it makes me more aware of myself in a good way. I had something more insightful to say but it disappeared. I'll delete this when I rediscover what it was. I may need to go back down to remind myself. Ok, well I did, but I still can't remember. Because I never fully established what it was. There's little sense in typing spontaneously for the sake of making it reappear, but I need to practice anyway. Writing spontaneously for an audience is not something I often do. If I did, you'd see a lot more from me. I am more aware of my thinking process, or something. I am just somehow able to come up with more and better ideas. Knowing that someone, at least one person, is going to have feedback for me is sufficient motivation for my subconscious to become more active. Well, I give up. Whatever I had to say will more than likely return at some later time. I can wait.

I'll try not to make these overwhelmingly long. But then, I have to not be overly self conscious either. If I do, it won't really be me.

I think it's important to record your life experiences, to keep track of when what happens and how you felt and thought. What a general statement. But I actually probably don't do it enough. In fact, I know I don't. There are so many experiences that I forget about if I don't write them.

My journaling habit for many years now has been: rather than making an entry every day, more often I just wrote whatever whenever I felt the need, which was usually brought about by the idea that doing so might make me more aware of the flaws in my way of thinking and thus less afraid of everything. It usually seemed rather futile however, since I never seemed to notice any real difference (positive anyway) afterward (probably because I never shared it with anyone). A lot of the time it felt difficult to say anything that wasn't filled with regret, fear or frustration. Nevertheless, it may have still been worth saying because it's a representation of what I was experiencing at a particular time in my existence.

This isn't going to be that everyday journal I was speaking of. It would be simply too much information, more than most people who know me need to be informed of. But I do really think I need to have one, and one that organizes its information by levels of detail. For example, the most surface level would probably be important events of the day. Then there would be not so important events, how I felt, ideas I had, plans I made. It wouldn't really be necessary to write about all of those things every day though, that could prove too time consuming, including the time spent reading it later. But then, maybe it would be useful. As long as I didn't get obsessed with it.

I'm always worried that I won't organize these entries (as in this blog) effectively and it'll be a mess. I should just read up on how to organize a blog then. I could brainstorm too, that's not a thing I do often, but obviously should.

I'm still a perfectionist when it comes to these, as I have been for as long as I've been doing them. I make it a point to (try to) fully expound upon every idea so I make as much sense as possible to the reader. The result is, and has always been, a large amount of frustration and negativity for me, but I clearly enjoy it on some level. Otherwise I wouldn't be doing it. I will not make any sort of resolution to change my approach, but I will TRY being more spontaneous from time to time in order to see how it turns out.

Ok, I think I should end here, because I need to go to bed. If I saved it as a draft I don't know when I'd pick it up again, because I might think it obsolete. I will simply say it's good to "be back."