It's ok, I don't need to know *that* much about you

I suppose the reason I've been going so long between entries is that when I tell someone of my blog, they either don't read it or don't seem to have anything to say about it. One thing I have noticed is that, while it's true that I am less inhibited with what I say in writing, especially if it's not addressed to any one specific person, people seem to understand it less well than direct communication. But that's undoubtedly more because of my often nonsensical humor I incorporate than anything else. One solution would be to simply explain in parentheses directly after. So I'll do that.

I can't help but feel that having a journal that people who know me can read does something to encourage me or make me feel more, I don't know, focused or directed. I regret ever stopping. The one I did on MySpace was rather complainy overall. As you'll notice, this one is not.
That's going to make a difference in building a positive attitude, needless to say.

Now I'm getting all hyped for this again. I will write of many things. What I want and need to do. What I am doing. My ideas of how to be more organized and motivated, to trick myself into taking action (or not), and other things like that. Why should you care? Cuz if you know me, you'll understand me better. You know how hard a time I usually have trying to explain the way I think. Then we can talk about it in real life, within striking distance. 'Within striking distance' is a humorously intended phrase/term I made up meaning face to face, just so you know. I'm not meaning to imply any actual striking involved.

Anyway, what I was about to say is that when I'm writing about myself with an audience in mind (specifically, those who I know will have an interest in reading it) it makes me more aware of myself in a good way. I had something more insightful to say but it disappeared. I'll delete this when I rediscover what it was. I may need to go back down to remind myself. Ok, well I did, but I still can't remember. Because I never fully established what it was. There's little sense in typing spontaneously for the sake of making it reappear, but I need to practice anyway. Writing spontaneously for an audience is not something I often do. If I did, you'd see a lot more from me. I am more aware of my thinking process, or something. I am just somehow able to come up with more and better ideas. Knowing that someone, at least one person, is going to have feedback for me is sufficient motivation for my subconscious to become more active. Well, I give up. Whatever I had to say will more than likely return at some later time. I can wait.

I'll try not to make these overwhelmingly long. But then, I have to not be overly self conscious either. If I do, it won't really be me.

I think it's important to record your life experiences, to keep track of when what happens and how you felt and thought. What a general statement. But I actually probably don't do it enough. In fact, I know I don't. There are so many experiences that I forget about if I don't write them.

My journaling habit for many years now has been: rather than making an entry every day, more often I just wrote whatever whenever I felt the need, which was usually brought about by the idea that doing so might make me more aware of the flaws in my way of thinking and thus less afraid of everything. It usually seemed rather futile however, since I never seemed to notice any real difference (positive anyway) afterward (probably because I never shared it with anyone). A lot of the time it felt difficult to say anything that wasn't filled with regret, fear or frustration. Nevertheless, it may have still been worth saying because it's a representation of what I was experiencing at a particular time in my existence.

This isn't going to be that everyday journal I was speaking of. It would be simply too much information, more than most people who know me need to be informed of. But I do really think I need to have one, and one that organizes its information by levels of detail. For example, the most surface level would probably be important events of the day. Then there would be not so important events, how I felt, ideas I had, plans I made. It wouldn't really be necessary to write about all of those things every day though, that could prove too time consuming, including the time spent reading it later. But then, maybe it would be useful. As long as I didn't get obsessed with it.

I'm always worried that I won't organize these entries (as in this blog) effectively and it'll be a mess. I should just read up on how to organize a blog then. I could brainstorm too, that's not a thing I do often, but obviously should.

I'm still a perfectionist when it comes to these, as I have been for as long as I've been doing them. I make it a point to (try to) fully expound upon every idea so I make as much sense as possible to the reader. The result is, and has always been, a large amount of frustration and negativity for me, but I clearly enjoy it on some level. Otherwise I wouldn't be doing it. I will not make any sort of resolution to change my approach, but I will TRY being more spontaneous from time to time in order to see how it turns out.

Ok, I think I should end here, because I need to go to bed. If I saved it as a draft I don't know when I'd pick it up again, because I might think it obsolete. I will simply say it's good to "be back."