This is existence

I am unsure of why I did not make another one sooner.

2008-04-30T22:03:00.000-07:00

What an interesting title. It is not interesting! Welcome friend. I will avoid making this confusing for the sake of trying to be funny. You will not read it if it is confusing.

I started reading the dictionary a couple of days ago so I can learn new words, not obscure ones but practical, and therefore increase my brain to a slight degree. Only if I do it regularly. Since I'm considerably not fast at learning from words, written or spoken, I feel the need to copy the pertinent definitions by hand to go over later before I know them for good. A colossal bother is that. But at least it works.

Two days ago I started collecting writing terms, such as idiom, rhetoric, predicate and conjunction, of which of course there are hundreds in all. I do not know whether I aspire to be a magnificent writer, but I do aspire to become truly effective at thinking, and an integral component of that is organizing thoughts in writing. But it all sounds like just more ways of avoiding actually DOING things doesn't it? Maybe, but true thinking is doing, just in a not very physically applying form.

Here's a crudzy "plan" of topics for this entry:
-Talking to people at work, or elsewhere, about things that I don't care very much about
-Systems I should make to increase my brain, which is rather necessary
-Fear of doing not-very-risky things that I want to do is completely intolerable

Those are the things I "want" to "discuss" the most at this time. It will now proceed.

Insignificant exchange

In other words, smalltalk. I dislike the idea because I'm afraid of things remaining on that level forever. Even though that would only happen if I didn't like the other person very much but was too afraid to just refuse to talk or tell them I wish they'd shut up and leave me alone forever. Admittedly that doesn't happen to me often, for which I am glad (but only when I remember), but...but what? Now I guess I "have" to go on and describe to a mild degree the different fears regarding smalltalk:

-Baw, nevermind.

There, what a long list. Aren't I funny? You didn't expect that, I promise. I decided to not try to identify such fears, because most of them apply to talking period, not just superficialities. I already stated my main problem with it anyway. Despite that, I do enjoy it, depending on who of course, which hardly bears mentioning. Oh, here's a fear: That something I mention will prompt a long boring string of consecutive words from the person and I'll not be enjoying it and will be unassertive about my wanting to not listen to that particular elaboration. It does happen sometimes.

The end of smalltalk. Though for me, hopefully the true beginning.

Systems to make me think gooder

Dur, wuts wun plus wun. Ate. I must forgive myself for having a difficult time thinking up schemes to implement with little effort that increase my mental fitness. But still gotta try. Well what's one thing some use? How bout writing every activity performed during the day, except for bathrooming since that is of questionable account. I admit I haven't done that much, and I won't try to rationalize my not doing it by giving reasons such as that I thought it was kind of an obsessive sounding thing to do, and never quite saw the point to begin with. I am entirely opposed to scheduling my daily activities because it sounds rigid and inflexible. But I should try it anyway, because it's good. I know you do it. Un.

Ok, I need to be more serious than ever now. How do you write to think better? Writing lots of self-addressed kuze? I've done that. What else? I can't think of anything. There's no need for me to do so by myself anyway, at least as far as coming up with writing things to make me think better.

Then there's the third thing, being afraid to do not very risky things that I'm not used to doing is completely intolerable. It is. Including speaking spontaneously with humans I think I want to speak to...which I usually have a hard time "deciding" whether I do. No more of that. It doesn't serve, obviously. So what's the easiest first thing to say? Not hi how are you, I still think that's too direct, even though many say it. The weather is probably the easiest thing, but it's such an obvious "I'm too afraid to bring up anything else initially" topic, at least to me. Me go to unconcious. I shall intend to lucid, even though the intent never makes a difference.

Somewhat energetic?

2008-01-09T22:10:00.000-08:00

How is this possible! How fortunate that we even exist! I feel profoundly appreciative of this fact!

My anxiety is considerably decreased now. I feel like I can do more than I usually feel like I can do. This is the real me! I love humans! I would be so embarrassed to say that normally, but right now I'm NOT. At least not on this. All I did was exercise for 30 minutes totally mildly, it seems to have been the trigger. I don't usually get such noticeable results from doing so. I certainly hope I keep getting these results.

Yay! And shame on me if I delete this!

Best to keep them short

2008-01-08T15:04:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm feeling paralyzed as usual. But I don't usually feel this stuck. One factor is the rain. Rain really, seriously gets me down. That and the sky when it's like that. Vuccot (euphemism for effit, which is also a euphemism, and a milder one by my count). I'm amazed at how hard it is to just start reading something encouraging or useful. I don't understand this lethargy at all. I'm so tired, and it seems to keep me from doing anything at all, except write this. And I feel considerably powerless, even though I know I'm not.

Is anyone else able to identify with this form of stress? I'm in the "process of
trying" to apply to PSU but there's several obstacles that I don't know how to approach, which I'll spare you. Not knowing how to do something results in ultimate fear of trying to figure it out for me. It would probably be best just to contact PSU directly.

This too seems to be draining me, so I feel the need to stop. Again.

Next time, I'll (hopefully) write something when I'm in higher spirits (and intellect), so it will be of more value (if any) to you, and therefore myself.

A sad farewell. (laughs)

Things I can do to make this more interesting

2008-01-08T13:23:00.000-08:00

Haw. I'll just start listing things off immediately.

-Write away from the computer and paste it.
-Leave questions for the audience.
-Include more quotes/excerpts, and comment on them.
-Don't make the text all look the same.
-Include pictures, and comment on them too.
-Be more spontaneous and not perfectionist.
-Include random "useful" facts, like function of eyebrow is to prevent perspiration from getting in eyes.

Okay. Go.

What are you, the reader, going to do to make as much money as possible? Doesn't the thought fill you with unease, not knowing for sure? It does for me.

I found that reading something encouraging (self help) and smart makes me think better in the moment. Sure it's never enough to make me brave enough to take direct action, but it can certainly result in indirect action. Like writing down whatever ideas appear. It's not something I do often. But it's something that everyone should do all the time.

So I'll do it while writing this, but another time. Cuz I'm scared to currently. Of course I'll always be scared when I'm not doing it. I should be thankful that I'm not scared WHILE doing it too. So I am. When I remember to be.

Things I would like to do, even though I usually don't feel like it
-Run (I hate using the exercise bike. It's infinitely boring, nomatter what speed.), to see if I can increase my asthma tolerance for it...gradually of course.
-Swim (have not done so for...10 years?), and learn to.
-Go ta cawlij ta be a cownsalur (go to college to be a counselor. I've had 3, or rather 5, counselors since birth, some official, some not. They seemed to be happy enough.)
-Maximize my funnyness. I know, it's probably funniness. But you know which is "funnyer."
-Stop being afraid to tawk to peepole!! (talk to peepole), which is a totally general statement but of course what I mean is to say whatever I feel like unless it's bad. And say hi hows your life.
-Some things
-Oh no, is the phone ringing again?
-Shave off my must ash. But I did. Well, I hafta keep doing it or it'll grow back. But it's easy.
-Stop being so tempted by intricate dramatic deep shocking profound subtle transcendent layered ingenious fiction, by far my most enjoyed solitary pastime and something I could easily spend the majority of the rest of my waking hours in all of life doing if I let myself, or so I currently perceive. (Xenogears, Planescape: Torment, A Song of Ice and Fire, Dune, RahXephon) I've been pretty much abstinent from it for several months, but the draw is always present.
-Heartshaped o saurus. Oh, but that's such an uncomfortable topic for me, I shouldn't have even said it. But I don't specifically WANT ppl to think I'm not interested in "having a gf." I am.

That list will be alright for the time being. Isn't this blog kind of unfocused? Hey, why don't you email me jgrzldjb@yahoo.com. That'll be happy.

My fears are dumm

XD XD FROWNCLOWN

Wait, I just noticed something. I AM a frownclown. I'm too bad at explaining why, but.

I don't write enough

2008-01-07T18:02:00.000-08:00

Yes. You may recall me saying as much some time earlier. When, I'm not sure myself. Today I am going to talk about multiple things. How unusual. That's what I did yesterday. But I don't mean to say that like it's a bad thing. I liked it. Maybe you did too. Either you did or didn't, depending upon what kind of person you are. Not funny.

I'm tired right now, so I hope that won't make this mediocre. (after finishing) Did it?

Viewing the process of thingamabobbers (brought about by looking at topics I listed in my notebook to write about on this)
I've somewhat recently wanted, when I remembered to think of it, to be able to look back and view how one thing (event, action or even thought) led to another and so on until there was a fortunate result. But writing that just made me aware that everything in a person's life is really part of just one chain. Everything's existence is owed partly, to varying (and I would say unmeasurable) degrees, to something else before it.

In this part of today's entry, I had the objective of coming up with some simple examples from my own experience. But of course I'll probably have a hard time thinking of any that seem truly exemplary or convincing.

Today I drove to Safeway to mail off Chrono Cross, which someone bought from me on half.com for 8 dollars. I drove George, the 1983 Buick (I may be wrong), as usual. Apparently I got there just after someone else had delivered 30 items to be mailed internationally, so there would be some delay for my item.

Well, I tried. Mildly. The problem is that the little, seemingly insignificant details quickly disappear from memory. I don't know if they're gone forever, in fact I don't believe they are, but there are many things that you'd simply never be able to access again without the right trigger, which would be kind of hard to identify if you don't even know what you're trying to remember.

I wrote the last paragraph somewhat fast, while looking at the screen and not the keyboard. I really want to want more to increase my keyboarding speed. I read on an article at Associated Content that the main thing you need to do, aside from practice a lot, is NOT LOOK AT THE KEYBOARD. I was in fact not quite aware of that. So now I am, as are you. Good.

So now, back to the cause and effect whatever you callems. I'll try to write them down in the future like as soon as they happen so I can be more aware of them, because being aware of them is useful because it gives me more to be grateful about. Anyway, I'm now going to try something more internal.

Well, nevermind. I can't think of anything at all, unfortunately. I hate trying to think of examples. Hopefully I have some written down somewhere in my paper journal. But what a pain, to have to look through it. It's mostly negative, so I don't want to.

Ok, well here's one I guess. And it wasn't from looking at my journal. About a week ago I finally got around to taking 6 large bags full of unwanted clothing articles out of my closet and dropping them off at a thriftstore. I was happy to be rid of them. Then I started seeing what else I could clear out from the closet, and under some stuff where the bags were I found a coat I totally forgot about and seriously have not even seen for probably 7-8 years. It still fit, and was in better condition than that huge puffy one I'm sure you've always seen me in. The reason I got the puffy one, back in 2000 or so, was because the one that I was talking about doesn't have a hood, and I hate getting rain on my head. I didn't use a stocking cap because I didn't want my hair to be messed up, but a hood messes it up somewhat too. So now I'm using both coats, and I WILL use a hat for the older one I found in my closet.

Well, that wasn't a very amazing example, but it was something. Maybe it can get me started on finding a better example. I'll come back to this part later, like not today probably.

Studying useful poo
As you may or may not know, I tend to think in absolutes, which I am aware is unhealthy. One example, and a particularly frustrating one, is in the area of studying something to learn which would be useful to know but just seems like a pain. Particularly when it's something like anatomy, which has so many thousands of facts that I get overwhelmed very fast and basically forget most of them, then feeling like I need to start from the beginning every time. I think it's because I don't bother to summarize. It's all about prioritization of detail. If I limited my memorization to the most elementary facts until I had them down totally, then I would have such a stronger foundation to truly learn the rest. And to do so, I need to actually write them down.

But thankfully, not every useful subject in existence is near so endlessly intricate as human physicality. And unless you plan on becoming a doctor or scientist, it's probably not the most important thing to know inside and out anyway. I feel like I haven't quite realized that yet. Or maybe my not-quite-conscious knowledge of it is one of the reasons why I'm not very motivated overall to study it, despite my feeling of "should." I "want" to be knowledgeable of anatomy for a couple of reasons, one, so I can be more aware of the consequences of particular actions and thus increase my ability and motivation to live healthier and be prepared when CPR or anything like that is needed, and two, so I can feel more often and with greater intensity the "chill of eons", aka the "shiver of truehuman", which I fear I cannot explain very well. It's just something that I believe you must first experience via some kind of profound inspiration (for me it was Xenogears, due in no small part to its music).

Ok, so this seems to have been mainly about anatomy. Oh well.

Something (hereafter retitled as The Purpose of This)
I won't deny it, this is hard. I'm getting some enjoyment out of this, but there has to be a more effective way of knowing what to write. Let me look at my list.

I seem to be a might torn between saying just whatever I "want" to with no predetermined structure, and knowing in advance the basic points to make. Well I doubt that's uncommon. Should I compromise between the two? That's probably what I do most of the time. I believe I've pretty much internally established the purpose of this, but when I think about it, it seems likely that externalizing it is necessary to give it true importance. So I'm going to do that now.

The purpose of this blog is:
1) To say things that I am afraid to say in person or on the phone, so that those who read it can know me better and have more to talk about
2) To help me to come up with good ideas that can be applied by myself and others
3) To provide motivation for myself (and others, but to a much lesser degree)
4) To provide an outlet for my humor

That's it, as far as I know. Not that it isn't enough.

OK, SO IS THIS ENOUGH FOR ONE DAY YET? I SHOULD THINK SO. THAT WAS KIND OF EXHAUSTING. But when I BECOME MORE SPONTANEOUS, it won't be. My ETERNAL PERFECTIONISM is why I become drained. In fact, I'm going to add that to the purpose list right now.

5) To energize me.

Theee, ENDDD.

It's ok, I don't need to know that much about you

2008-01-05T22:22:00.000-08:00

I suppose the reason I've been going so long between entries is that when I tell someone of my blog, they either don't read it or don't seem to have anything to say about it. One thing I have noticed is that, while it's true that I am less inhibited with what I say in writing, especially if it's not addressed to any one specific person, people seem to understand it less well than direct communication. But that's undoubtedly more because of my often nonsensical humor I incorporate than anything else. One solution would be to simply explain in parentheses directly after. So I'll do that.

I can't help but feel that having a journal that people who know me can read does something to encourage me or make me feel more, I don't know, focused or directed. I regret ever stopping. The one I did on MySpace was rather complainy overall. As you'll notice, this one is not.
That's going to make a difference in building a positive attitude, needless to say.

Now I'm getting all hyped for this again. I will write of many things. What I want and need to do. What I am doing. My ideas of how to be more organized and motivated, to trick myself into taking action (or not), and other things like that. Why should you care? Cuz if you know me, you'll understand me better. You know how hard a time I usually have trying to explain the way I think. Then we can talk about it in real life, within striking distance. 'Within striking distance' is a humorously intended phrase/term I made up meaning face to face, just so you know. I'm not meaning to imply any actual striking involved.

Anyway, what I was about to say is that when I'm writing about myself with an audience in mind (specifically, those who I know will have an interest in reading it) it makes me more aware of myself in a good way. I had something more insightful to say but it disappeared. I'll delete this when I rediscover what it was. I may need to go back down to remind myself. Ok, well I did, but I still can't remember. Because I never fully established what it was. There's little sense in typing spontaneously for the sake of making it reappear, but I need to practice anyway. Writing spontaneously for an audience is not something I often do. If I did, you'd see a lot more from me. I am more aware of my thinking process, or something. I am just somehow able to come up with more and better ideas. Knowing that someone, at least one person, is going to have feedback for me is sufficient motivation for my subconscious to become more active. Well, I give up. Whatever I had to say will more than likely return at some later time. I can wait.

I'll try not to make these overwhelmingly long. But then, I have to not be overly self conscious either. If I do, it won't really be me.

I think it's important to record your life experiences, to keep track of when what happens and how you felt and thought. What a general statement. But I actually probably don't do it enough. In fact, I know I don't. There are so many experiences that I forget about if I don't write them.

My journaling habit for many years now has been: rather than making an entry every day, more often I just wrote whatever whenever I felt the need, which was usually brought about by the idea that doing so might make me more aware of the flaws in my way of thinking and thus less afraid of everything. It usually seemed rather futile however, since I never seemed to notice any real difference (positive anyway) afterward (probably because I never shared it with anyone). A lot of the time it felt difficult to say anything that wasn't filled with regret, fear or frustration. Nevertheless, it may have still been worth saying because it's a representation of what I was experiencing at a particular time in my existence.

This isn't going to be that everyday journal I was speaking of. It would be simply too much information, more than most people who know me need to be informed of. But I do really think I need to have one, and one that organizes its information by levels of detail. For example, the most surface level would probably be important events of the day. Then there would be not so important events, how I felt, ideas I had, plans I made. It wouldn't really be necessary to write about all of those things every day though, that could prove too time consuming, including the time spent reading it later. But then, maybe it would be useful. As long as I didn't get obsessed with it.

I'm always worried that I won't organize these entries (as in this blog) effectively and it'll be a mess. I should just read up on how to organize a blog then. I could brainstorm too, that's not a thing I do often, but obviously should.

I'm still a perfectionist when it comes to these, as I have been for as long as I've been doing them. I make it a point to (try to) fully expound upon every idea so I make as much sense as possible to the reader. The result is, and has always been, a large amount of frustration and negativity for me, but I clearly enjoy it on some level. Otherwise I wouldn't be doing it. I will not make any sort of resolution to change my approach, but I will TRY being more spontaneous from time to time in order to see how it turns out.

Ok, I think I should end here, because I need to go to bed. If I saved it as a draft I don't know when I'd pick it up again, because I might think it obsolete. I will simply say it's good to "be back."

A lesson for myself

2007-08-16T20:52:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: Never will I vent in these. Who honestly wants to read vents? Not me. Nor do I want to write them, which makes me a somewhat rare person. People who complain all the time are just annoying.

I have spent a lot of time, over the years, analyzing my shyness/anxiety/reservedness. It doesn't help whatsoever. So I will not bother to try and explain it. I feel that I actually always know what I want to say, I just so often have such a hard time saying it accurately. This applies to writing also, but writing is easier, especially when it's on a computer and can be easily edited.

I find it highly unlikely that talking to a person who I don't like and getting to know them better will result in my opinion of them changing. Nomatter where I work, there are always a lot of people who I find annoying. I doubt it will ever change. Wait a second, it sounds like I'm complaining. I refuse to!

Here's a different topic, and one that is an example of my all or nothing thinking pattern.

I have a relatively good time talking about entertainment; specifically, that which I find entertaining, especially "deep", "subtle", "epic", "imaginative" fiction like Planescape: Torment, Xenogears, Dune, A Song of Ice and Fire, and RahXephon. Describing their settings, premise, themes and so on is nothing short of exhilerating in fact, especially in discussion with someone who is already knowledgeable. However, I'm always afraid I'll become fixated on such discussion, and make it the core of my relating during freetime, as thrilling as that would be. I have fun talking about videogames as well, but less so since I've become less interested in them over the past 5 or so years. My point is, I can't help but believe that nomatter how fun and thought-provoking it may be, entertainment is only that, entertainment, and therefore of no true value, even when shared. Unless it's productive in some way, but then I wouldn't consider it to really be entertainment.

Then on the other side I love talking about serious, personal (but focusing on the positive) stuff, but it's a might harder (not that I find initiating conversation of entertainment with new people easy). I have the idea that using entertainment (and more importantly, discussion of it) as an initial way of relating can very well lead into sharing of the more vulnerable aspects of oneself. Actually it's one I have to constantly remind myself of. I always think I should start with the serious stuff, to see from the beginning if there are enough common values. I never do it though. Enough of my fears, I'll not speak of them again. It is not fun. Period!

Immortal Quotes

2007-07-07T11:16:00.000-07:00

Qwhoats. Profound, cunning, badath, guffaw worthy. Sometimes all at once. Mild spoilers may be included, for the fiction obviously.

From The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly:
-Life is about sharing ourselves with humanity at this moment in history.
-Before you can learn to be with someone else, you need to learn to be alone. Until you are comfortable being with yourself, you will always be afraid of being alone.
-The defects we so often despise are actually a wonderful part of our humanity.
-This is the greatest gift we can give to another human being: to allow him or her to simply see us for who we are, with our strengths and weaknesses, faults, failings, flaws, defects, talents, abilities, achievements, and potential.
-The real tragedy is that once we fool ourselves into believing we know a person, we stop discovering that person. If they do something that doesn't fit our mold for them we say, "Why did you do that? That's not like you!" The process of discovering another person in a relationship is endless. The discovering and rediscovering of each other is intimacy. It is not a task to be finished so you can move on to the next task. It is a process to be enjoyed.
-Physical intimacy is limited. But emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacies are limitless, and relatively unexplored. And, truth be told, if you truly wish to experience the upper reaches of physical intimacy you must first explore and develop the depths of [the other three].
-Maturity comes once we learn to cherish the self. From that moment on, we would rather be rejected for who we truly are than loved for pretending to be someone we are not. That is self-esteem. It's not a feel-good thing. It's practical, it's real, and it cuts to the essence of the hardest choice we ever make: the choice to be ourselves.
-Only by sharing our story with another will we ever feel uniquely known. Otherwise, and I assure you it happens every day, we can pass through this life and into the next without anyone ever really knowing us.
-In the twentieth century, humanity seemed preoccupied with the quest for independence. The twenty-first century will be a century of interdependence or one of tremendous human suffering. The great truth that must come into focus is that we are all in this together. Both in our individual relationships and in relations between nations, this is the idea that can most advance humanity.
-We hide because we think people will love us less if they truly know us, but the opposite is true in most cases. If we are willing to take the risk and reveal ourselves for who we are, we discover that most people are relieved to know that we are human. Why? Because they are human too, and are filled with the same fear as you. In most cases, you will find that the things you thought would cause people to stop loving you actually lead them to love you more. There is something glorious about our humanity. Strong and weak, the human person is amazing. Our humanity is glorious and should be celebrated. When we reveal our struggles, we give others the courage to do the same.
-The truth is, when we reveal our weaknesses people feel more at peace with us and are more likely to respond by expressing a desire to be there for us than by rejecting us. Everyone has a dark side, and yet everyone walks around pretending that they don't. This is the unending pretense. Intimacy requires that we be prepared to reveal our dark side, not in order to shock or hurt the other person, but so that he or she might help us battle with our inner demons.

From Breaking Out of Loneliness by Jerry A. Greenwald:
-Laughter is a shift in attitude which puts us in touch with the reality that, despite our pain and anguish, there is great joy in simply being alive.
-When we expand our inner dimensions some psychological pain is inevitable.
-Breaking out of old attitudes and behavior patterns is frightening even when we clearly perceive hat they haven't worked.
-We get stuck when we fail to see that discovering how to nourish ourselves, how to develop a growing meaningfulness and excitement in our lives, is never a fixed accomplishment.
-Chronic loneliness always means that our personal growth process is stagnant.
-A resolution to loneliness is more simply achieved by breaking out of the myth that our fears, anxieties, feelings of inadequacy, and so forth must be understood and "cured" before we can proceed. Trying to understand can kill our spontaneity and can literally take away the joy of being alive.
-Our problems will persist as long as we continue to seek solutions within the same context as that in which we created them.
-There are no prerequisites to breaking out of loneliness. We do this at any moment when we are being loving to ourselves now, as we are.
-Success makes a great camouflage to conceal loneliness. Our self-image is too often dominated by other people's responsiveness, or the lack of it, to what we have accomplished. While we may feel nourished by receiving approval and recognition, they become a trap when comsidered of primary importance. Financial success, for example, is a carrot that society dangles in front of us, promising an end to emotional frustrations and deprivation. When we feel we haven't succeeded, we may sincerely believe that wealthy or powerful people surely have no problems with loneliness or feelings of isolation.
-Many lonely people create their loneliness by taking sex lightly, knowing all the while that they are being dishonest with themselves.
-The paranoid person automatically and immediately projects onto each new person all kinds of threatening attributes from the past.
-Living in fantasy generally makes us more emotionally delicate since we avoid learning through actual experiences how to cope with emotional pain.
-When feeling paranoid, our attention is focused primarily on the outside world instead of on ourselves.
-The more paranoid we feel, the more rejecting we feel toward others. This is externalized (it's not me, it's them) and we then feel rejected.

From Dune by Frank Herbert:
-"The things that can happen here, I cannot begin to tell you," he said. "I cannot even begin to tell myself, although I've seen them. This sense of the future--I seem to have no control over it. The thing just happens. The immediate future--say, a year--I can see some of that... a road as broad as our Central Avenue on Caladan. Some places I don't see... shadowed places... as though it went behind a hill" (and again he thought of the surface of a blowing kerchief) "...and there are branches..."
-"My father once told me that respect for the truth comes close to being the basis for all morality. 'Something cannot emerge from nothing,' he said. This is profound thinking if you understand how unstable 'truth' can be."
-"Muad'Dib could indeed see the Future, but you must understand the limits of this power. Think of sight. You have eyes, yet cannot see without light. If you are on the floor of a valley, you cannot see beyond your valley. Just so, Muad'Dib could not always choose to look across the mysterious terrain. He tells us that a single obscure decision of prophecy, perhaps the choice of one word over another, could change the entire aspect of the future. He tells us, 'The vision of time is broad, but when you pass through it, time becomes a narrow door.' And always, he fought the temptation to choose a clear, safe course, warning, 'That path leads ever down into stagnation.'"
-And the Baron thought: Yes! See him there, this man who believes he cannot be bought. See him detained there by a million shares of himself sold in dribbles every second of his life! If you took him up now and shook him, he'd rattle inside. Emptied! Sold out! What difference how he dies now?
-"There should be a science of discontent. People need hard times and oppression to develop psychic muscles."
-She sighed. "Thufir, I want you to examine your own emotional involvement in this. The natural human's an animal without logic. Your projection of logic onto all affairs is unnatural, but suffered to continue for its usefulness. You're the embodiment of logic--a Mentat. Yet, your problem solutions are concepts that, in a very real sense, are projected outside yourself, there to be studied and rolled around, examined from all sides." "You think now to teach me my trade?" he asked, and he did not try to hide the disdain in his voice. "Anything outside yourself, this you can see and apply your logic to it," she said. "But it's a human trait that when we encounter personal problems, those things most deeply personal are the most difficult to bring out for our logic to scan. We tend to flounder around, blaming everything but the actual, deep-seated thing that's really chewing on us."
-"Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. It depends in part upon the myth-making imagination of humankind. The person who experiences greatness must have a feeling for the myth he is in. He must reflect what is projected upon him. And he must have a strong sense of the sardonic. This is what uncouples him from belief in his own pretensions. The sardonic is all that permits him to move within himself. Without this quality, even occasional greatness will destroy a man."
-His first encounter with the people he had been ordered to betray left Dr. Kynes shaken. He prided himself on being a scientist to whom legends were merely interesting clues, pointing toward cultural roots. Yet the boy fitted the ancient prophecy so precisely. He had "the questing eyes," and the air of "reserved candor." Of course, the prophecy left certain latitude as to whether the Mother Goddess would bring the Messiah with her or produce Him on the scene. Still, there was this odd correspondence between prediction and persons.

From A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin:
-"We have become swollen, bloated, foul. Pride comes before prayer, maggots rule our castles, and gold is all... but no more! The Rotten Summer is at an end, and the Whoremonger King is brought low! When the boar did open him, and so on."
-Lark the Sisterman laughed. "Small Paul, thick as a castle wall," he mocked. "You shut up with that," said Small Paul dangerously.
-"Best not try and eat my bird, Lark. Best not."
-"You are too kind. More wine?"
"No. No, truly, I... oh, gods be damned, yes. Why not? A bold man drinks his fill!"
"Truly."
-"You have a gift for words, Lord Tyrion, if I might say so. And you tell a droll tale. Droll, yes."
-"Tell me, Bronn. If I told you to kill a babe... an infant girl, say, still at her mother's breast... would you do it? Without question?"
"Without question? No." The sellsword rubbed thumb and forefinger together. "I'd ask how much."
-"Are you drunk? If you think I will sit here and have my honor questioned..."
"What honor is that?"
-"THE KING IN THE NORTH!"
-"It's a long roll down the serpentine, little bird. Want to kill us both?"
-"A hound will die for you, but he'll never lie to you. And he'll look you straight in the face."
-Ned frowned. "You sit in council and talk of ugly women and steel kisses, and now you expect me to believe that you tried to protect the girl? How big a fool do you take me for?"
"Well, quite an enormous one, actually," said Littlefinger, laughing.

-"Let me tell you how it will go. Lord Velaryon will urge me to storm the castle walls at first light, grapnels and scaling ladders against arrows and boiling oil. The young mules will think this a splendid notion. Estermont will favor settling down to starve them out, as Tyrell and Redwyne once tried with me. That might take a year, but old mules are patient. And Lord Caron and the others who like to kick will want to take up Ser Cortnay's gauntlet and hazard all upon a single combat. Each one imagining he will be my champion and win undying fame."

-"I made no such claim. The Starks were nothing to me. I will say, I think it passing odd that I am loved by one for a kindness I never did, and reviled by so many for my finest act. At Robert's coronation, I was made to kneel at the royal feet beside Grand Maester Pycelle and Varys the eunuch, so that he might forgive us of our crimes before he took us into his service. As for your Ned, he should have kissed the hand that slew Aerys, but he preferred to scorn the arse he found sitting on Robert's throne. I think Ned Stark loved Robert better than he ever loved his brother or his father... or even you, my lady. He was never unfaithful to Robert, was he?" Jaime gave a drunken laugh. "Come, Lady Stark, don't you find this all terribly amusing?"
"I find nothing amusing about you, Kingslayer."
"That name again. I don't think I'll eff you after all, Littlefinger had you first, didn't he? I never eat off another man's trencher. Besides, you're not half so lovely as my sister."
His smile cut. "I've never lain with any woman but Cersei. In my own way, I have been truer than your Ned ever was. So who has jid for honor now, I ask you?"

-Storm's End dwindled behind them, but the red woman seemed unconcerned.
"Are you a good man, Davos Seaworth?" she asked.
Would a good man be doing this? "I am a man," he said. "I am kind to my wife, but I have known other women. I have tried to be a father to my sons, to help make them a place in this world. Aye, I've broken laws, but I never felt evil until tonight. I would say my parts are mixed, m'lady. Good and bad."
"A grey man," she said. "Neither white nor black, but partaking of both. Is that what you are, Ser Davos?"
"What if I am? It seems to me that most men are grey."
"If half of an onion is black with rot, it is a rotten onion. A man is good, or he is evil."

-Melisandre laughed again. "You are lost in darkness and confusion, Ser Davos."
"And a good thing." Davos gestured at the distant lights flickering along the walls of Storm's End. "Feel how cold the wind is? The guards will huddle close to those torches. A little warmth, a little light, they're a comfort on a night like this. Yet that will blind them, so they will not see us pass. The god of darkness protects us now, my lady. Even you."
The flames of her eyes seemed to burn a little brighter at that. "Speak not that name, ser. Lest you draw his black eye upon us. He protects no man, I promise you. He is the enemy of all that lives. It is the torches that hide us, you have said so yourself. Fire. The bright gift of the Lord of Light."

-"Who rowed you to Renly?"
"There was no need," she said. "He was unprotected. But here... this Storm's End is an old place. There are spells woven into the stones. Dark walls that no shadow can pass--ancient, forgotten, yet still in place."
"Shadow?" Davos felt his flesh prickling. "A shadow is a thing of darkness."
"You are more ignorant than a child, ser knight. There are no shadows in the dark. Shadows are the servants of light, the children of fire. The brightest flame casts the darkest shadows."

-"Dragons are gone, Khaleesi," Irri said.
"Dead," agreed Jhiqui. "Long and long ago."
Viserys had told her that the last Targaryen dragons had died no more than a century and a half ago, during the reign of Aegon III, who was called the Dragonbane. That did not seem so long ago to Dany. "Everywhere?" she said, disappointed. "Even in the east?"
Magic had died in the west when the Doom fell on Valyria and the Lands of the Long Summer, and neither spell-forged steel nor stormsingers nor dragons could hold it back, but Dany had always heard that the east was different. It was said that manticores prowled the jungles of Yi Ti, that spellsingers, warlocks, and aeromancers practiced their arts openly in Asshai, while shadowbinders and bloodmages worked terrible sorceries in the black of night. Why shouldn't there be dragons too?
"No dragon," Irri said. "Brave men kill them, for dragon terrible evil beasts. It is known."
"It is known," agreed Jhiqui.
"A trader from Qarth once told me that dragons came from the moon," blond Doreah said as she warmed a towel over the fire.
Silvery wet hair tumbled across her eyes as Dany turned her head, curious. "The moon?"
"He told me the moon was an egg, Khaleesi. Once there were two moons in the sky, but one wandered too close to the sun and cracked from the heat. A thousand thousand dragons poured forth, and drank the fire of the sun. That is why dragons breathe fire. One day the other moon will kiss the sun too, and then it will crack and the dragons will return."
The two Dothraki girls giggled and laughed. "You are foolish strawhead slave," Irri said. "Moon is no egg. Moon is god, woman wife of sun. It is known."
"It is known," Jhiqui agreed.

From Planescape: Torment by Chris Avellone:
-"Have you seen a journal recently? I'm missing mine."
"What does it look like?"
"No idea."
"If you don't know what it looks like, how do you expect to find it?"
"I'm beginning to wonder that myself."
-"However you choose to define it, Grimscalp."
-"I order you to fall on your face, then get back up."
-"Oh dear! T'would seem THOU ART HARDLY WORTHY OF APPEASING MY ENDLESS HUNGER FOR MORTAL FLESH, THOU INSIGNIFICANT RODENT! BEGONE, VERMIN!"
-"Take your hand and fly to the moon? Not today, my friend."
-"Interesting. Farewell, fishwife."
-"I feel like they're staring right at my soul." "They are. Farewell."
-"If you lack the conviction to kill yourself, I'm not going to do it for you."
-"Well, I'm friggin' dead, it looks like. Give 'em my worst regards, then."
-"To that, 'good' Derek, I say fie, fie, and fie once more to thee!"
-Quell glances around as you approach. "Blast! Nowhere to hide!"
-"THOU ART NOTHING! BOW BEFORE MY UNHOLY MIGHT AND PERHAPS I SHALL MAKE THEE A LEMURE FOR ONLY 10,000 YEARS!"
-"Just keep pumping crossbow bolts into the branched thing, and we'll sort it out later."
-"Time lays waste to all things. But I shall fight it as long as I can."

From Terranigma by some unknown J-er:
-"The unbelievers shall be driven from paradise."
-""

From Chrono Trigger by Masato Kato:
-"The weak strive to be weaker."
-"The black wind howls... One among you, will shortly perish."
-"Okay, give me your best shot... If you're prepared for the void!"
-"If history is to change, let it change! If the world is to be destroyed, let it be destroyed! If my fate is to be destroyed, I must simply laugh!"

From Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem by some Canadian lifeform:
-"His undoing has been planned in intricate detail."
-"Take this one, and use him as the foundation for the pillar! He is special, and should be given a special place... among the suffering."

From Xenogears by Tetsuya Takahashi, Soraya Saga and Masato Kato:
-"Regardless of what may have happened in the past, with the passing of time the cause becomes more remote."
-"If God doesn't exist in this world, then I will create God with my own hands!"
-"We humans are... parts for god..."

The Sad Band's Acomin': Heartshaped Vision and Else

2007-07-06T14:01:00.000-07:00

Welcome. This shall find itself as my second entry on this site.

Here is a slightly funny quote from my paper journal, written on 6/7/07, not to be confused with 7/6/07, which is this day.

"It seems inevitable that I will have a child, participate in the Olympics, fly a helicopter, have a good house, make great tasting food, be forced into an evening summer fight with intoxicated being, have my child die when I am at Holiday Inn. And perhaps other things."

There, you see? More often than not I feel like I will experience every single possible experience ever even though I know I will not and cannot. Why do I feel such? There is no reason. Feeling such is not a good feeling. I don't actually believe it, just feel. Next.

Watch me get totally sentimental again, and never stop:

This is the one life I have. The one opportunity I have to experience reality. I have been wasting it for a decade or more. I could die at any time, without having ever overcome my fear. I want to show humans the meaning of life. I want them to know their worth. I want to be there for them. I want to do everything I can to handle insults and threats, without ignoring them unless I should. I want to learn self-defense. I want to have the best experience possible with the human being I love the most, whomever she will find herself as. I want to be constantly learning tremendous things and skills that I can share and teach to other humans. I want to do everything that will make me a happier person. I want to be accepting of the things I can't change. I want to have realistic goals and expectations. It's not too late to make it happen. It's scary, but it won't be when I've made some real progress and gained some real confidence. I really just can't wait. Come on, do it now. I'll be so energized I'll make up for all the wasted time. Positive self talk will be routine, imagine that.

Unlike before, I entirely refuse to criticize myself in any of these entries. You may now look forward to me continuing to not criticize myself. Tomorrow I mean to stuff you with as many immortal quotes as I can find. Look forward to it.

Welcome to space

2007-05-31T17:26:00.000-07:00

What, space? It doesn't seem like we're in space, does it?

Of course technically we are. I don't know much about space, honestly, but it's not space in particular I'm going to write about. Sorry if the title was misleading.

Here is the core of this post: I can't believe we beings exist and can communicate, share thoughts and feelings and interact. Not to say I don't believe, just that it's quite profound when I think about it. Whoa, we are lifeforms and I'm one of them! Therefore, as long as one is not overwhelmed with various sources of distress I believe it should be an easy feeling for anyone to arrive at, yet I am certain that far too many never do. At this exact moment I am not feeling overwhelmed with stress, which is actually partly due to writing this and knowing that someone is going to read it, and hopefully respond. Even if whoever it is says something like "ur fuckin retarded get a life fagget" (which, believe me, I am completely expecting some lifeform will), it will have been worthwhile because I will have expressed a deep and hard-for-me-to-express feeling (the difficulty being from fear of course).

If even one human in existence that I am unacquainted with gets any noticeable amount of inspiration from this and I hear about it, I'll be ecstatic. Hell, they could lie about it and I wouldn't know, so I'd still be ecstatic.

There, that's all for my first blogger entry. I would say it turned out better than I expected it to. Begone, creature!